9 months ago…

9 months ago I made the decision to make some changes for good. I’ve realized this time around that I no longer want to drink, I don’t like how it makes me feel, look, sleep, act, but more importantly I can’t handle how anxious I get afterwards. Other than a brief lapse in judgement over the summer I haven’t touched alcohol since that day in March. Since giving it up and being completely at peace with that decision its actually been pretty easy this time around… the first time though? Not so much! I remember watching someone talking about “blips” one day and him saying that alot of times when we struggle it’s because we haven’t firmly “shut the door” on it. In other words we feel like we are missing out somehow by not drinking and I think this is exactly it! I find now when I have the odd moment where I do feel like I want a glass of wine if I sit and really dissect WHY I’m feeling that way it’s usually because I’m uncomfortable in some way… I’m bored, tired, stressed, lonely, etc. I’m craving it because I want to shut off a feeling of some sort which I now realize I do NOT actually want to do, I’d rather deal with the feeling and the reasons why and move on, stuffing them down with alcohol served me absolutley NO good. I’m so happy to be at this point in my life, that I can see it for what it truly is now and know 100% that I am better off without it. 9 months ago I was in the middle of a massive panic attack. We had just gotten home from our all inclusive vacation and I had such ridiculously high levels of anxiety that I was honestly questioning what the point of life was If I had to go though it feeling like that… I hated it, I hated me…. I was trying to decide whether to actually share who I am on this blog but honestly what does it matter? People know I don’t drink anymore and I’m pretty open about the whole thing so here it goes lol. The pic on the left is from that vacation, looking happy day drinking one afternoon at a local bar BUT also looking like absolute shit and setting myself up for what would be one of the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had. The pic on the right was yesterday. I feel good, better than I have in years actually and looking forward to a Christmas with my family that I am 100% prepared and ready for and that I will be 100% present for. People ask me why I would ever give up the beloved wine…

my reason is this… my reason is ME.

I’m still here…

I am sitting here this evening reading some blogs and I realized that I hadn’t posted anything in ages so figured I should pop in and put some thoughts down… I’m still here and still doing the sober thing but I will admit that I did have a couple of slips this summer, I let the little voice convince me that I wouldn’t be fun enough if I didn’t drink with friends and guess What? She still lies! I decided to acknowledge it and just keep moving forward. The way I’m choosing to see it is that a couple of evenings (even if I regret them) don’t undo the 200+ days without it. One of the things I’ve been trying to ditch is my all or nothing attitude, now don’t misinterpret that as deciding to have the odd drink because I honestly hope to never touch it again, but I know myself well enough to know that if I had admitted defeat and put myself back at square 1 that would have been a pass for me to keep drinking damn near every weekend until I was “ready” to start again… and God only knows how long that would be! So instead I dusted myself off and just kept on, still viewing myself as a non drinker and still working to be a better version of me… Crossfit is still killing me as is running Lol, I’m not sure if either of these things will ever get “easy” but I do enjoy how good I feel after I do either of them! Apparently one of the crossfit gyms near me does a competition in the spring that is a good one for beginners, it’s also a partner one so I think my friend and I may get brave and sign up when the time comes! That gives me 6 months to learn double unders and a whole slew of other stuff that I can’t yet do… we shall see how that goes! Consequently it will also be right around the 1 year mark from when I decided the booze had to go for good so I figure that will be an awesome way to celebrate 😉 If anybody actually reads my posts I hope this one didn’t let you down too much… trust me, I let myself down enough for all of us! I will get this down sooner or later but for now I’m trying to be happy with progress even if it isn’t perfection…

Over 4 months AF

So I’m past the 4 month mark, the AF thing is going pretty good but losing the extra pounds.. .? Not so much! I do well for a few days and then I eat a bunch of garbage, feel like shit, eat more garbage, get myself back on track and repeat cycle! So frustrating! I’ve been eating more plant based recently which (when I stick to it) seems to make me feel a lot better, more energy, less bloated, better sleep… kind of like how going AF makes one feel! I’ve been doing a lot of biking, I signed up for a bike ride in the fall that will take me across Prince Edward Island via the confederation trail, approx 250km in 5 days! Super excited to check that off my bucket list! I’ve had the odd moment (mostly when sitting on the deck on a sunny afternoon) where I have that moment of “a glass of wine would be great right now”, but I know that it really wouldn’t make it any more enjoyable and would make me feel like crap the next day. I just miss feeling relaxed I think, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that that is the main reason I liked wine so much, I just don’t seem to be able to quiet my brain down… I have always been like this but didn’t realize how much it affects me some times and that being in overdrive all of the time maybe isn’t that great lol. Oh well, something I’m working on that I will hopefully figure out eventually! For now I’ll just keep trying and being happy that biking and running seems to help 🙂

2 years ago…

Well it’s been two years since I first realized that maybe I didn’t have to go through life feeling like shit, that maybe I didn’t have to plan social events around alcohol, that maybe I was drinking too much and that MAYBE there was a better way to live. It’s taken a while for me to actually feel like all of those things are true all of the time but I think I’m finally there! I still have days where I regret going back to drinking for the year, even if the amounts were nowhere near what they were before originally signing up for OYNB alcohol was still holding me back from being the best version of me, I definitely know that with 100% certainty now. A friend of mine came over yesterday and we sat on the deck and had a couple of AF Heinekens and an awesome visit, If I were still drinking even moderately it would have been the perfect excuse to have a couple of glasses of wine or a few beer, my sleep would have been shit, I would have woken up feeling anxious and blah today and I can guarantee I would NOT have gotten up and gone for a run, which ended up being the first run I’ve gone on in a VERY long time where I was able to run 3 straight km’s with no walking breaks! Pretty proud of that little accomplishment today 😉 After my run I came home and did 1 min of each -burpees, situps, and squats followed by a 1 min rest, and repeated for 5 rounds. That last round was pretty tough but I did it! I’m still working on my mindset when it comes to food and focusing on eating nutritious foods rather than being obsessed with calories and macros but I THINK I’m starting to get there… slow and steady wins the race right?? I found the cottage a little tough a few moments this past weekend, it was hard to really “relax” without that bottle of wine but I’m starting to think that that’s ok too, my constant thinking and doing does tend to be annoying some days but it’s part of who I am and hopefully if I keep trying I will eventually find some ways to at least quiet it down a bit without the help of booze 🙂 I hope you’re all having a wonderful week so far!

100 days!!!!

yep! 100 days without a glass of wine or drop of any type of alcohol. The difference in just a few months is so incredible I can’t quite figure out why I ever decided to drink again after my first extended break from it. I guess that was part of my journey and something I needed to do to feel 100% sure of my decision now so i am trying not to focus on the fact that I SHOULD have been celebrating 2 years this coming week.

In the past 100 days I have gone from at least 3 massive anxiety attacks per month (after every time I drank basically) to not one. Yes I still have days where I’m a bit anxious but not those full blown heart pounding out of my chest, can’t catch my breath, not sure how I’m going to make it through this feeling which lasts for daysssssss attacks. My sleep has improved drastically, I’m off my sleeping pills as well, waking up feeling refreshed and not groggy AND no longer waking at 3am! Woot woot! I’m still going to crossfit and spin class and (mostly) staying on track with my running schedule, this is the best I’ve done at keeping a “routine” when it comes to fitness in a while and it feels wonderful:). I’m more patient, I don’t find myself to be as snappy with my kids and I’m pretty sure they’ve noticed a difference in me as well which makes me both happy and a little sad all at the same time. I’m doing better with everyday stuff, my house is neater, I don’t have a huge mountain of laundry needing to be dealt with all of the time and I’m doing better at keeping track of and staying on top of financial stuff.

It’s pretty incredible really.

Now at the same time that I decided the wine needed to get lost, my Dr also wanted to try me on a new med for my ADHD and since I didn’t have great luck with the first 2 we tried I was reluctant to agree but in the end I did. I suspect this may also have something to do with the mentioned changes above. Likely a combination of not trying to self medicate AND of being properly medicated…

This weekend hubby and I are heading down to the cottage where I plan to do nothing but catch up on some reading, take the kayak out on the river, walk on the sand, watch the replay of The Tragically Hip’s fairwell concert on CBC, and do things that make my heart happy.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and to any fellow Canadians on here, happy Canada Day! To anyone in their first few days or weeks, keep going, it’s beyond worth it and it’s only getting better ❤

Day 75 and clawed my way through it…

Well there is no up beat spin I can come up with at the moment. Today was just a hard fucking day, period.

You see I’ve made some messes with my tendency to ignore any issues that make me uncomfortable and bury my head in the sand, this includes financial ones. Trying to pay off some debt that I knew I could no longer ignore (gotta love taxes!) meant I let a couple of other bills that seemed less significant slide. I knew it was something I would have to deal with eventually so I decided today was that day. Now, I suppose in a way I should be proud of myself for finally adulting and making those tough phone calls, accepting a bit of help offered from my dad (i am NOT good at accepting help but that’s another post), and basically draining my own account as well to finally have this over with but I just felt blah. I felt angry with myself, sad for being such a screw up, fear of what people would think if they knew, a huge sense of failure, etc etc etc… I certainly wasn’t feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Well you can guess the next feeling that hit me like a ton of bricks, wantttttttt! Yep, cravings. I wanted to hit the fuck it button and down a glass, no that’s a lie, a BOTTLE of wine like I haven’t wanted in months!

I just didn’t want to feel all of that, I didn’t want the sadness and the anger and maybe even the relief and all of the discomfort that came along with all of those friggin emotions. I didn’t though, drink I mean, I may have ate my own own body weight in food but oh well, binging on food isn’t usually an issue for me anymore and with the way I feel tonight after it I doubt it will happen again for a while. The most fabulous part is that all of this emotion shit isn’t done yet! I have one more tough call to make tomorrow and I’m just praying that they (again more taxes) will be happy with what I have figured out for payments that I can afford since I’m really kind of against a wall here, I know I can’t afford to pay anymore than I’m going to purpose tomorrow and I also know that means I’ll be making these weekly payments in addition to my regular taxes for 4 more years before the old debt will be paid off, ugh! But at least I’m dealing with it right? and actually trying… that’s more than I can say for myself for the past few years… my goal is to be almost clear of all of this and have my credit back up to good (ok well at least decent) standing by the time I turn 40, I’ll be 37 this summer so that gives me 3 years to get my shit together to hit that goal. So there it is, I’ve said my goal out loud (ok so I typed it), for whoever may happen to read it, fear of failure F you! Why am I do damn scared of failure? I don’t even know where or when that started for me but I think its always been the way I am, unfortunately I also see it in my son and it breaks my heart. Well I think that’s enough pouring my heart out for one day, I’m going to take all of these damn emotions and a can of diet pop and to to bed. Spin class early tomorrow and it’s a new day so hopefully it will be a better one than today!

Me.

Day 70

Well I’ve had a couple of rough(ish) evenings over the past 10 days. Not sure why really, just stress I guess and that urge to just shut my brain off temporarily. I didn’t give in thankfully and the thoughts didn’t last long but they were there. It’s funny how you get to that certain point where that little voice whispers that you would be fine just to have one even though you know that’s a bold faced lie! I recently had a conversation with someone who has also given up alcohol and he was doing that bargaining thing… telling me he might try modetating because it was never really THAT bad, after all, he still has his job, wife, home, never had a DUI, etc…. It’s amazing how once we are away from it for a bit and start to feel better our own thoughts will suddenly turn against us. It’s like something starts turning your own mind against you. I gently (but firmly) reminded him to look at his reasons why he was doing this and just not to drink that night and revisit the thoughts in the morning. Thankfully he did and by morning was proud of not giving in, I was proud of him as Well! It takes so much work sometimes, and then some days it’s so easy that I don’t even think about it. I’m grateful that so far I’ve had more of the not thinking about it days than the so much work days! Crossfit and spin are still going well as is the running. I just made a pact with a friend to cut the junk out for june and be more consisntent with my macros, hoping to maybe see the 150’s by the time the month is over, we shall see!

Day 60!!! And yes I’m still here, quietly observing ;)

So today marks 60 days of being completely AF. I’ve been planning to write posts multiple times in the past month but life has been so darn busy that I just never seemed to get around to it. I figure with today being a bit of a milestone that I maybe should do one 🙂

The past two months have actually been pretty awesome over all, definitely much improved from the 12 months prior when I was allowing alcohol in my life again. It’s funny, I thought as long as I kept it to what would be considered “moderate consumption” or less (for the most part…) that it should be fine. Although I was increasingly aware of the fact that even a few drinks 2-3 times per month were having a negative effect on me that lasted well beyond when the drinks stopped, I really couldn’t have fathomed how huge those effects were until I removed it completely again. I’m sleeping wayyyyyy better, I’m physically active pretty much every Day, I’m definitely more productive, I’ve finally had the motivation to drastically improve (still not perfect and never will be) my eating habbits and my attitude/general mental health have improved greatly!

Yesterday I decided to step (or jump actually) outside of my comfort zone. I’m scared of heights, always have been, but I REALLY wanted to do a climbing “adventure” course that’s only about an hour from where I live. I have been wanting to do this since the place opened a few years ago but couldn’t seem to get up the guts to do it. Well yesterday I did, I grabbed a friend and away we went! Two straight hours of climbing across ropes, cables, ladders, tires, etc at anywhere from 20-40 feet in the air followed by some zip lining! Was a scared?? HELL YES!!! Was it worth it?? ABSOLUTELY! And YES, I will most definitely do it again!

I’m also back to crossfit, have been for about a month, as well as doing spin class. I have a long way to go to be where I want with crossfit especially but I know if I put the time and work in I will get there eventually. I’m trying soooooo damn hard to focus on performance and inches lost vs the actual scale but man that’s a hard one! I have at least 20lbs of fat that needs to come off my body but trying to do it slowly and drop my all or nothing mentality is going most likely be my biggest challenge of all, luckily though I do tend to like a good challenge! Have any of you had this and managed to actually get there without being obsessed with the scale? I would love to hear your tips if you did!

Well I don’t have much more exciting news at the moment but I will try to post again sooner this time. To everyone who puts themselves out there and writes blogs here, especially on subjects like sobriety and self improvement I thank you. You all inspire me daily!

24 Days and its looking like a beauty of one!

I said when I decided to make these changes that if I could carry on past the 3 week mark then I would know that I had a reasonable chance of following through, and I have!! I can’t believe its already almost a month. A MONTH! Even though I’ve had quite a few spells since fall where I would go a week or two without having a drink I definitely hadn’t gone a full month in the past year, before that year yes, I had gone 8 months but it took a lottttttt of determination to stick with it much of the time. That being said I do remember that it was getting easier at around the 6 month mark, silly me deciding to drink in a controlled manner at the 8 month mark, really, how many people are in control every time they drink? Very few….

Well I’ve been saying to a few of my OYNB friends that I keep waiting for those inevitable cravings to hit, the ones I have had in the past that either make me feel like a child who’s about to lose their shit because they can’t have the toy or candy they want. Orrrrr the who that is so bad that the child’s mother (I am playing both rolls in this scenario since one part of me would be having the tantrum wanting a drink while they other would be desperately trying to convince myself that it was not worth it and I had to just wait it out…) would just say frig it in and give in and give the child what they wanted. Or in my case, give in to the voices in my own head and have the damn drink! So far this hasn’t happened. I did feel slightly out of sorts last evening but I had an insanely busy week, didn’t eat quite enough yesterday and my kiddos had friends over for the night last night. It wasn’t that I was seriously craving but I felt like I wanted SOMETHING. So, I had a virgin Caesar and a couple of Heinekin 0.0’s along with some crispy minis and 2 hazelnut Hershey kisses. That worked just fine, went to bed feeling great as well as sober and not cranky 😉

I keep trying to figure out why this seems to be relatively easy this time around, I think it must be a combination of a few things… I’ve done it before so I know what to expect. I didn’t feel like I “had” to this time around but I WANTED to. I want a better life, I want it for me, I want it for my family, I just WANT it. I don’t see alcohol in that equation and actually, since I know I have a bit of an issue with abusing it by times, I also know where that will lead eventually and that life my friends looks much worse, not better!

I’m now down 6 pounds! woot woot! That’s an average of 2lbs per week which is absolutely fine with me! The plan of actually making sure I eat 3 meals a day is still on track, a snack as well, major increase in my veggie intake, 3 litres of water minimum and minimal “junk” food. I feel like this is something I can stick to long term. Why it took me so many years to get my mind back to this instead of constantly trying these fad diets and wanting quick results is beyond me! Walking is also still going well, still only 3x per week right now but as the weather gets nicer here I can see me upping that. Right now I do a 10km on Tuesday and a 5km on both Thursday and once over the weekend, which will be today at some point. It looks pretty chilly out here right now but at least the sun is shining 🙂

Happy Sunday and on to the end of the first month!

Day 17 and Going Strong!

well I have survived another Friday and Saturday night! Hubby and I took the kiddos to the movies last night, Ready Player One, it was actually surprisingly good! We went to the early show so we were back home shortly after 9, watched the hockey game and did some reading. Stayed up later than I have been lately but still feel great this morning! 🙂

My yoga hasn’t been going very well, I’m having a hard time dragging my ass out of bed at 5:30am and I shouldn’t be, I’m asleep between 9:30-10:00pm every night and actually sleeping pretty well. Walking isn’t going too badly, I’m aiming for 3x week and getting that in for the most part. I’m down 3.2 lbs since giving up alcohol and I’m hoping to just keep losing it slowly but steadily. Hopefully once I lose another 10lbs or so I can start running again. Just trying to ease my way back in to the physical stuff since my knees are feeling the effect of the extra weight I have been carrying in and I need them to work lol.

I found myself a little grouchy last weekend, I was pretty snappy with the OH and we ended up arguing two nights in a row which makes me soooooo friggin anxious. Frig I hate confrontation, always have! I know that comes from my childhood and I also know its something I need to work on. I tend to not say when something is bothering me because I don’t want to upset anyone or cause and argument, the problem with that though is that it builds and builds and builds and then I blow! Everything all comes out at once because I get to the point where I can’t hold it in anymore, its not healthy for me or my relationships. That’s definitely going to be something I need to figure out once I get my footing a little more in this sobriety thing again!

So far I’m still not finding it difficult to stay away from wine, didn’t even really think about it last night to be honest. Its all the damn feelings that I have a problem with. Had a major blow dealt this week in the debt department, specifically taxes… I got through it though, didn’t freak too badly, although I still haven’t come up with a concrete plan of what to do about it, working on it though! If you are reading this and happen to be Canadian (or from almost anywhere actually), you have likely been following the news just as I have about the hockey team from Saskatchewan who were involved in that horrible accident… I literally cried myself to sleep last night after watching some coverage on the 11pm news. I had seen multiple articles on it yesterday on fb was deliberately trying to avoid it because I knew I wouldn’t handle it well. I just can not wrap my head around it, I am sure we all feel the same on that. My heart is breaking for the families, surviving teammates, their families, the community, everyone… I just can’t even imagine the pain… You think you have huge problems and then you hear something like that and quickly realize how much worse things could be, how in one instant life can be taken away from us, how in one instant those who we love can be taken away from us. My heart and prayers go out to them all, God speed.